It’s funny, occasionally the most meaningful relationships are the ones that come in the most unexpected of ways. Sometimes relationships come on the first day of school and there are expectations of friends and companions. Sometimes relationships come because of new jobs or first days of camp. Others, can come from a simple introduction by a mutual friend or circumstance and an unknown idea of what to expect in the future.

I met Bette Owen with the knowledge that her daughter would soon be marrying my father. Kind of a strange feeling- knowing that we would soon be “family” but not sure if we would ever be friends or true family. Sue, my father’s fiancee (now wife), introduced Bette to my sister and me at an apartment that we shared in Portland in the early 2000s. Luckily we had known Sue for a very long while and had a great deal of comfort with the idea of our father marrying her in December 2001.

From the instant Bette entered our apartment, she was very gracious and funny about our meager surroundings (though our apartment was very cute I must say). She was sweet to the cats and obviously very caring toward Sue and they had an ease and comfort about them that was comfortable. She was affectionate and good humored about our Dad.

That night we went to dinner and it was unexpectedly hilarious and fun and heartwarming. Sue’s family is very close and it was made obvious by the way Sue and her Mom related. We were probably way too loud and rambunctious at the restaurant. But I remember leaving feeling more comfortable and accepted by Bette than I normally would with a person after one evening.

Bette was very supportive of Tim’s acting. She and Sue came to a one act play that Tim was in at Portland State University. In the play, Tim was a character saying goodbye for the final time to his Mother. It was horribly depressing, wonderfully acted (of course), and the audience stood throughout- as if we were in an art museum like where the play took place. Bette was captivated. Afterward, she never stopped talking about and to Tim about his acting. And long after the play, Bette encouraged Tim to continue his passion for acting and reminded him of his talent. She always reminded him of something he deserved to hear.

I lost all my biological grandparents with the exception of my paternal Grandmother prior to meeting Gramma Bette. I’m bonded with my Grandmother in complicated ways and she is extraordinarily precious to me. But she is much more formal with her grandchildren than what I observed with Bette and her grandchildren. Both women loved their families and showed it in very differently.

But the most meaningful thing to me was that when my Grandmother was losing her sense of reality, Bette hung on to it. And as I walked my Grandmother through that period of life, Gramma Bette hung on, asked about me, and was ever present. It helped me grieve my own Grandmother to have someone of similar age to “hang on” to what a Grandmother means for someone.

Bette was someone you can tell anything to and it didn’t seem to faze her too much. In fact, I had my first shot of alcohol with her. Well, at least I drank it and she sipped a bit and said, “I’m not going to drink that. I like gin and tonic”. But it didn’t faze or shock her. Or if anything, I may have shocked her that I was about 33 and never had a shot of anything.

I had the honor of sitting with Gramma Bette as she went through two chemo treatments-once by myself and once with her granddaughter, my stepsister, Vanessa. I’m not sure you know someone until you sit in that type of situation.

I expected Grandma Bette to sleep through the treatments. I brought reading materials for both of us as well as snacks and cards. I really wasn’t sure what to expect. But as always, she didn’t cease to surprise me. She stayed awake the whole time. She observed everyone in the room (and sometimes loudly vocalized her observations which weren’t always exactly appropriate), told stories, laughed, and asked us questions about life. The time we spent together overlooking Salem, in a room lined with recliners for the patients and folding chairs for the visitors, was invaluable. She kept asking, “Why would you want to sit here with me all day? I’m sure you have better things to do.” But I didn’t – I was where I wanted to be in that moment.

She delighted the entire room of patients and their families with her stories and her lovely way of including everyone in the room.

I’m sure she didn’t enjoy the chemo all that much but to me, it was a chance to sit for many hours, talking and listening to one of the funniest and caring people I’ve ever met. Chemo is not a pretty process and must be excruciating. But Gramma Bette made me feel like we were simply visiting even though we both knew the seriousness of the setting.

At Gramma Bette’s service, her immediate family told stories and pictures were shown from throughout her life. I remember thinking- if I can be half the person she was, then I will have lived a kind and good hearted life indeed. And granted- I don’t always say what I think now, but when I hit 80 – I’m going to be like Gramma Bette: I’m going to say how I feel, I’m going to express what everyone is thinking, and say it in such a kind and funny way that no one will care.

From Gramma Bette I learned the art of honesty, acceptance, taking a sincere interest in others, embracing family – beyond just the biological connections- and having a grand sense of humor at whatever age.

Thank you Gramma Bette for sharing yourself with me and making me a part of your life.