Today I’m grateful for the sound of my Grandmother’s voice.

My Grandma Monroe passed away a year ago today, November 16th. I remember the call from my Dad the morning she passed. I felt both deep grief and great relief when he told me. Grandma had been suffering and wasn’t really the Grandma I knew or the person she knew herself to be for a long time. I felt relief both for her and for me when I received the word. We didn’t have to dance the slow and long goodbye dance anymore. I experienced the grief every day for several years as I heard her voice slowly losing reality. I experienced grief again the day she passed away. It was very final- and suddenly she was no longer on earth with me. Something about when someone is no longer tangible- so that I can see and feel them- makes them suddenly seem distant-almost like a dream.

To this day, I think of Grandma every day. It’s not a conscious thing, but I think of her face, I see her picture, feel her soft hands in mine, and I hear her voice.

I don’t want to forget the sound of her voice- ever. It’s a voice that was always by my side- whether over the phone, as a conscience of the rights and wrongs of the world, and the “welcome home” she always greeted me with on visits.

When I try to remember the sound of her voice, I sit down and close my eyes. I can hear her voice when I imagine her saying, “Nina”. It’s her voice- as clear as day – kept in the filing cabinet of my brain. Of course, the way I hear it she sounds slightly amused and exasperated which was usually how she spoke to me. She was forever trying to make sure I was “behaving” (behaving to Grandma meant following traditional roles). I’m not sure her definition of behaving and my definition often matched up, but I did my best. And she knew I did my best which is why she always had the exasperated and amused tone.

I worry that over time I may forget the sound of her hellos and the way she said “Nina”. I worry that once that memory of the sound disappears, she will no longer be with me. Rationally, I know that’s not the case- but rational and reality don’t always go hand in hand.

So for now, one year after Grandma died – I’m grateful for the beautiful sound of her saying, “Nina” that still resides in my head.