Today someone brought to my attention the difference between the authentic self- who we really are, and the presented self- what we feel comfortable expressing to others.

I unfortunately don’t know the scholarly source but am familiar with the idea of “true self” and “false self” (though I like the words authentic and presented much better!). They are psychoanalytic terms and really, in the simplest definitions, are just as they sound. The true self is what it means to be alive- to be the truest version of one’s self. The false self is full of pretense or is guarded or is who we want others to perceive us to be.

In the same conversation, another person referred to the idea that we often will take on the persona of how others perceive us. If I believe others perceive me to be shy or timid, I will often put on that hat. If I believe they perceive me as unfiltered or abrasive, then I may change how I present myself so that it matches that perception.

I’ve been thinking a lot after that conversation. I think I have framed my depression and the medication I take incorrectly.

When I first started on the journey of going off the medication, I thought it was so that I could show my “true self” and that I could be who I am at the core. However, if anything, when I’m not on the medication, I don’t feel I am true to myself. In fact, the “dullness” I feel caused by the depression is a dampening of who I am. I’m stifled – suffocated by this shell of who I am as I am weighed down by the depression chemicals.

When I am on medication, I feel I can be myself. I’m more comfortable with groups. I am more talkative and can share my feelings more accurately. My laughter doesn’t stop at my lips. I can put words on paper. I can be myself.

This has been a helpful “reframing”. I have had the idea that though anti-depressants or medications are okay for others; they mask who I am.

I am slowly coming to the conclusion that perhaps, instead, that medication allows me to true to my authentic self.

I continue to ponder.