Today I’m grateful for the peace of prayer.

I don’t describe myself as a religious person. I worry I disappoint my parents as they are United Methodist ministers and I grew up living and breathing the church. I spent eighteen years attending church weekly and deeply involved in various church community activities.

If I need to describe my beliefs- I acknowledge I’m spiritual. It’s true for me, even though I’m not exactly sure what it means. I struggle to describe the reasons why, but I know it’s true. I spend my days with the belief that there is something out there…a meaning to all of this life. I know it ultimately may be inaccurate, but I do not want to spend my life thinking there is nothing. I believe there is a powerful and uniting force that makes all creatures important and significant in the bigger picture. 

How scary is the thought that after we die- there is nothing? Or the thought that nothing has meaning? It is so scary in fact, I choose not to believe it to be true. 

I sense the spirit of God- and what that means to me- in all things. In the cool breeze, in the sunshine reflecting on water, in my nieces and nephews faces as they look up at me, in the miracle of life of both animals and humans, and in all other things we can see, touch, sense and feel.  So I pray. I compose my prayers as letters to God. I always have done it this way…not sure where that stems. When I was younger I’d pray for selfish things- as if God loved me enough, it’d come true. 

“Dear God, Please make Chelsi like me. Thank you. Love, Nina”

“Dear God, Please let us find this movie theater and not miss any of the movie. Love, Nina.”

As I grew older, I would lean on these prayers when I felt unsafe or overwhelmed with what I could not control. It gave me a sense of peace that though I could not control situations, God had my back.

At some point however, I came to the conclusion that I don’t believe God makes things happen. I don’t believe God is playing a game of chess and predetermining fate. Instead, I choose to believe God walks with us as we live life. I don’t believe God “has a plan” that explains why bad things happen to good people. But God is with us and providing strength.

So my prayers have changed. “Dear God, Please be with me as I deal with this situation. Love Nina.”

Sometimes, when I’m feeling at my lowest- I just take deep breaths instead of verbalizing my prayer. Somehow, I trust God knows what’s on my mind and is with me. It allows me to let go of the surface tension I feel. And it leaves me with a sense of peace. 

I have discovered that when I get horrible news or have bad experiences and there is nothing I can do to make it better, the first thing I do is pray. In the truly horrible moments, I pray with someone- asking, “Can we pray?” 

 During this last week, I heard from several people I dearly appreciate and love who have had life changing diagnoses and/or events happen in their life. It chills me to the bone as there is nothing I can do, or they can do, to change the news. So I pray. 

I pray that God walks with them and all those who love them as they walk on this new path. I pray for strength. I pray for rest. I pray for them to feel my love. 

It doesn’t change things. But it helps me and can help those who turn to prayer. When life spins out of control, the sense of peace prayer gives me saves my sanity. I know not everyone finds peace in prayer and that is alright. But for me, I find great solace in knowing I have an open line of communication through my belief in God.

I hope that whatever religion or belief system, everyone has a place they can turn to in order to give them solace.

So today, I’m grateful for my belief in prayer and the peace it can bring.