Today I’m grateful for prayer.

I have written about my faith in the past. My faith is eternally evolving. And my praying habits are no exception. My prayers as a child were all about asking for the material or superficial. I’d ask God to “please let me get to see this new movie” or “please let Joel return my crush”. And my prayers now have evolved more into requests for God or a higher presence to walk with me or those I care about in times of hurt or fear or excitement or sadness. Prayer allows me to focus on the core of what I am currently feeling.

When I was younger- from about nine to fourteen, my prayers would take a long time at the end of the night. I would literally blow a kiss to everyone I loved- and sometimes those I even hated. Due to the size of that circle, the prayers took a very long time. I later changed it to blowing kisses to groups of people (parents, friends, siblings). And then at some point I realized if I just blew a kiss to God, God could spread the love around. To this day, with every prayer, I blow a kiss to God. Call it habit, call it routine, call it OCD, or call it whatever. But in that moment, I am able to send love.

My husband Tim and sister Trish know that when I am the most scared, or the most hurting- I will ask them to pray with me. I will hold their hands and say, “Dear God” and then follow with the prayer. I open my eyes as I pray simply because if I close my eyes, I feel more detached from reality and what I am facing. Again- it allows me to send love, refocus, and feel comfort. And by praying with someone, I feel even less alone. That I have someone else sending that love with me.

I have clear moments when I choose to pray. When I lost my nephew, I prayed. When the world felt like it no longer mattered because of the pain in that moment, I prayed. I prayed to focus and I prayed to feel still. When I went through the most difficult moments of life and cried until I felt I could cry no more, I prayed. I prayed so I could breathe. So I wouldn’t feel alone. When grandparents or loved ones passed away, I prayed. I prayed that they could feel my eternal love. I prayed so that I could feel their love in those moments. Whenever I fly (I HATE FLYING), I pray. I pray so that I may breathe. I open my eyes and I look toward God and pray that I will not feel alone in that moment of fear. I thank God for life. For me, prayer is a refocus. It’s a pause. It’s a reminder to breathe. It’s a reminder that I am never alone.

I have prayed more than usual lately just due to the sense of unrest, pain around the world, and conflict. It would be hard right now not to know about the current situation with ISIS, the events in Paris, and all over the world. I have noticed on Facebook that some people will post things like, “Prayers don’t do anything. It’s what we do in times of war” meaning that just saying things to ourselves or what we see as a higher being don’t do much. It’s the actions we take- whether we block refugees, attack ISIS where they live, or other actions that create tangible responses.

On some levels I understand. It’s important to take actions on the things we can change. But on the other- I don’t. I think prayers do bring a sense of focus or peace to ourselves. It’s also a way to feel closer to those who are suffering. In the split moment of a prayer, there is a sense of being one together.

I’ve struggled with how to respond to those Facebookers. I’m not one to pick a fight (unless I’m in a mood). I’m certainly not going to post on someone’s Facebook that they are full of hatred or simply don’t understand why people pray. There’s no sense in trying to convince someone of something they fundamentally don’t believe. It’s a waste of my time and theirs.
My belief is not that prayer changes outcomes beyond our control. Bad things will still happen to good people. I don’t pray that Isis will go away. I don’t pray that time can be reversed so that people don’t die or change. I pray to send my love to those hurting or those fleeing from hatred, I pray to send my thoughts needing love, and I pray to ask that higher being that others will have those prayers as they walk through this journey.

So today, I’m grateful for prayer. I’m grateful that I choose to pray. It’s a choice I make.I choose to believe that I am never alone. I choose to pause in painful or wonderful moments. I choose to breathe. I choose to feel comfort along my journey. And I’m grateful for that choice.